Keep Pushing On

Cannot believe how quickly life changes colours. The last time I wrote, I wrote about the “Painting of Life” (In 2013 I think). The last 2 lines of that Poem were - 

“It (Painting) wants on it, some of your color... provided that the color is pure...”

Well this painting has had quite a lot of colour thrown on it, and also lovingly drawn upon since then. When the sky was the darkest, never did I imagine that I shall ever reach even close to the place that I currently am today.

Post my spectacular failure in my graduate course, and all the events that have transpired in my life since then, life kept feeling like facing “the bludgeonings of chance“ as mentioned in “Invictus”. Lord knows that the previous decade has been suboptimal to say the least.

I remember standing that day outside the “Rampura Agucha” mine, the biggest Zinc mine in the world, seeing the depressing landscape and wondering if this is going to be my life going forward. Today I have everything I longed for back then - A comfortable indoor desk job, money in my pocket and some semblance of dignity that in our society can only be attained by being employed.

Bad though that day felt, and despite coming across McKinsey’s pompous pricks there like Balbodh and Swaraj who lacked basic politeness and decency, resulting in me undermining/second-guessing my own self, and evaluating myself on their punk-ass, CorpoBot barometers. Swaraj was OK on some level, but fuck Balbodh. ← (If you indeed end up reading this, Chauhan, hit me up. I’m sure you still have my contact details.)

Learnt the basics of completely new trade there, being a generalist - Perfected how to write user stories and put them into a technical backlog. The backlog turned out to be so great that I have transformed it into an artefact that I share with my prospective clients prior to any engagement as ademonstration of competence in the field of Business Analysis. In addition to that, did Requirement Elicitation, Wireframing, Documentation, Project Management (believe it or not). I’m told that the project ended being a success. I am unsure because the company that had hired me at that time ditched me immediately after my stint at Agucha, which I reciprocated when the time was right.  (You see, post my sacking in Agucha, these same folks re-hired me at a lesser CTC. Gave me posting in another city. Worked there for a while and refused their offer to continue at a higher position.)

It was great that I went to Agucha though. It resulted in me meeting Mahima and now, down the same line, having Samant. 

Things are OK now, I guess. I do not end up doing the things that I was obsessed about once upon a time like playing guitar, PC games etc. behind which I spent entire days. However, it has nothing on my days that I spent in the USA genuinely doubting if I am ever going to see 30.

Feels different though in any case because I am having to create a house of positivity in my heart, but I have always been driven by negative emotion. I embrace fear, hatred, darkness, carnage and destruction. I wish to hang an upside down cross in my bedroom, but Mahima is totally against it.

I have to say here that negativity is also a fantastic source of energy if you need to get anything done pronto. One of my life’s biggest achievements - my ability on guitar - was borne out of hatred. I remember it used to fill me so much that I lost my bearing and all semblance of rationality. But it typically helped me in my workouts though. I don’t miss being slave to my base emotions like hatred and anger, but I miss listening to songs which celebrate the above attributes. It’s probably appropriate that I have not yet become a guitar virtuoso like I’ve always wanted because for me, it has its inception in negativity - hatred. Had it been propelled by something truly beautiful, contentment and a desire for love/peace, maybe I would have been more predisposed towards practice and attainment of my ultimate goal.

The sheer number of times I have used the word “I“ in the above text is making me feel extremely solipsistic, and thus I am concluding, but I think that this “Open Diary“ of sorts may prove useful for me. I daresay talking about others might be even more problematic.

<Need to remember to check advanced functionalities made available by the platform going forward to take a “professional“ look at the solution.>